Lost her fight!!

Well have not been on here in forever. We had a great Thanksgiving at my house with Vickie and her boys, Patti, her boys, Ekim, and my family. Dec. 15, 2008 we thought we were going to lose Vickie before Christmas. She spent a week in the hospital, well 4 days. Went home on hospice care and got to spend her anniversary at home. We had a wonderful family Christmas with her and pretty much the whole family. My hubby took a wonderful video of the day that we will all have to treasure. She made it through the first of the year. I talked to her the last time on Dec. 30th. She was in good spirits and sounded good. Patti called about 1pm Jan. 2, 2009 and said that Vickie had taken a turn for the worse. We all went to Vickie and Dave's house. We got there around 2 or 2:30pm. She all stayed there that night. It was the beginning of the end. Vickie was talking out of her mind when we got there that day. She never regained conciousness. We watched over her all night and into the next day. She got put on oxygen some time on the 2nd. Not sure what time, don't remember. Her body struggled most of the night. Her breathing was hard and only calm after given medicine. We surrounded the hospital bed several times throughout the night and next day. Around 2:30pm or so the aide said that if we wanted to we could stay by the bed, that she would know. So Pam, Patti and I got around the bed. Her breathing had changed. I looked at my phone, it said 2:41pm. Patti went to get Mom, Pam and I had started counting to ourselves the time in between her breaths. I had counted 1 time, she breathed, I started counting again. Pam was working her way around to my side of the bed so that Mom and Patti could be on the other side. She never took another breath. Her fight was over and she was gone. Patti and Mom came in the room and we said, "She's gone, She's gone!" So I am hoping that she is in heaven happy and at peace with her little girl Rhonda and the rest of the family members that we have lost over the years. We will miss you so much Tic!!

I love you Sis!!

Coming out of the darkness!!

Well since my last post God has been allowing me to go through quite a learning time. I had allowed my fear of losing Vickie lead to anger, which lead to many other things. Most of which was me pulling away from the one thing I needed...God!! I had kept saying that I was not anger with God, when in actuality He knew that I was. I had to say it out loud, confess my sins(from the anger part), and ask for His forgiveness. I finally got to the point that I wanted to reach out to Him. I had not wanted to give up my anger, only to suffer the consequences of doing so. What I learned from all of this is, that He will allow you to sit and stew in your anger, for however long you choose. But that when you get through throwing a temper tantrum like a child, that He will give you grace to overcome it. If you will only reach out to Him and ask for His help. You would think after the many battles I have gone through that I would have learned by now. I really did not understand why I was wanting to be so anger. The only thing that I have learned after talking to our pastor is that I was grieving. I guess I had not completely looked at it that way, but he sent me something talking about the different stages of grief. I had got past the denial part pretty quick. But once learning just where we stand with Vickie's situation and that I was not going to get the miracle I wanted the anger came in. Satan was pretty slick with this, it snuck in with out me actually realizing what was going on, until it was too late and he had me right where he wanted me. He may have won that battle for a short time, but "My Daddy" is bigger than he is and He can wup up on satan! When I ran to "My Dad" he took care of the problems and got me back on the right path. So now I have accepted that I will indeed lose my sister and just have to enjoy the time I have with her now. I will get to see her again when we all get to heaven and what a joyous day that will be!

Struggling...

I haven't written in a while. I am quite honestly going through a spiritual struggle that I have not experienced before. I hurt so deeply inside that I am scared to let it out. I look at how my sister is trying to hold on for her family and respect her for that, but also can't stand seeing her have to struggle so hard. Knowing what she has gone through for most of her life, makes this all the much harder for me to witness. The one positive I can see is when all is said and done, she will finally get to spend eternity with God and her daughter Rhonda, who she lost when she was only 10. The fact that we will all miss her terribly is without saying. She will no longer be in pain or stuck in a world that is so full of sin and evil. She will be free and for that I am grateful. She says that she will miss us, but we will be the ones to suffer the loss. Quite honestly even though I have prayed for her to be healed physically, I know that it was for not. I believe that God healed her spiritually so that she would be ready to go see her Saviour in heaven. This is the part that I have got to try and hang on to when I feel the hurt and anger rising up in me. I read a devotional today that sort of is where I feel that I am at right now. Disappointed with God. As hard as it is for me to admit, that is exactly where I am at. I have cried out to God so much and feel as though He remains silent to me. Although in my heart I know that He has not changed, since He is unchanging. I am the one who has changed. I am coming up on the 9 year anniversary of when I accepted Jesus into my heart. Little did I know that I would have the rug pulled out from under me so soon. In so many ways I feel like I am indeed a 9 year old child throwing a fit trying to get the attention of my Father. Not having had a Father figure to guide me in my life, this is a constant struggle for me. I wish that I could be as strong as some who seem to have it all together and can seem to flow through the storms of life without showing signs of wear and tear. All I know is that I am trying and have not let satan take back over my life completely. He has won a few battles lately, but I continue to fight against him. God is my strength and my refuge in Him will I continue to stand firm and fight the good fight!

One day at a time!

Yesterday Vickie went to the doctor. They said that she has 6 months to a year or less. We are kinda confused due to the fact that they told us on June 11 that she had 3 months or less, which is why all we can do is just take it one day at a time. Live each day as if it could be her last as well as our own. Since none of us are guaranteed tomorrow! Pam, Patti and I are all having a really hard time with all of this. The sister bond is stronger than ever right now! One good thing that has come out of this awful time is our love for each other is shining brightly! I have been going down memory lane and realized that I have a little bit of each of my sisters in me. They all played a huge part in who I am. While talking to Vickie yesterday we decided that I am a "combination burrito". My silliness and funny side definitely came from Vickie, who we also call Tic. One of the nicknames that we have. We all have one, Pam is Ela, Patti was Frito (Bandito), and I was either Berly or Kimbo. I got the Living in the Rain devotional today and it was exactly what I needed to hear right now. So am going to try and focus on praising God and loving him and thanking him for giving me the strength to get through each day! Also, will try and post on here more. It does help just being able to express things in writing them down. Gives me time to think and focus more clearly. Well that is all for now, thank you for all who look at this. Not sure how many do, but really doesn't matter. I am doing this more for myself than anything. BBL (Be Back Later)

Learning how to let go!

I haven't posted a blog in a while. I have been trying to learn how to deal with what lies ahead for our family. On June 11, we learned that Vickie has 3 months or less to live, barring a miracle from God to heal her of this cancer that has invaded and taken over her body. Since finding this out I have not been able to cry. I have always been so easy to cry and am having a hard time understanding what is going on. My heart hurts so bad that I just do not know what to do or how to think past each day. My mind knows the ugly truth that we face, but yet my heart does not want to let go and hope. I am fine with knowing that Vickie is saved and ready to meet God and Jesus in Heaven. I can't wait for that day myself! Although I can't wait for that day I truly hope that I am allowed more time with my family and friends. The selfish side of me does not want to let her go. Loving someone who has been there for you so many times and knowing that very soon she will not be in your life is one of the hardest things I believe I have every had to face. But God continues to give me the strength to go on, and see what tomorrow brings. Vickie started her second round of chemo today. I hate that she is having to go through all of this. She started losing her hair last week. So the reality just keeps hitting harder. I can only continue to pray for her and continue to ask God to not let her suffer. That is all that I can say at the moment. I just am numb and hurting!

Bad days ahead!

Well Dave, Vickie's husband, called yesterday and said that Vickie is not doing good. She went to the doctor Monday for her doctor visit and had to get and IV to help with the nausea. Dave asked the doctor while Vickie was doing this treatment just how long she has. The doctor said that IF she responds to the chemo, 3 months or less. If she DOES NOT respond, which so far has not happened she has a month to 3 weeks or less. So now all we have left is to try and be there for Vickie and Dave and spend as much time with her as we can. We are going to go see her Saturday and I honestly am scared of what we are going to see. Dave said that she is starting to lose her flesh and lip color, so I don't know what we are going to find. But I can only pray that God will keep us ALL STRONG for her and pray that since it looks like I am not going to be getting the miracle that I have prayed for. That God will take her quickly and not let her suffer anymore than she already has. I pray that He will be there for Vickie's boys and Dave and for the rest of the family. This will be one of the hardest things that I have ever had to endure. Losing my sister to this awful disease just really hurts and is just breaking my heart. For all who may read this, please pray for Vickie and our family during this time.

Good and bad days

Well after a really rough weekend for my sister she went to the doctor Monday. She was still very nauseated and not feeling good. They gave her something to help with the nausea which helped. Patti talked to her yesterday and she was feeling better. What a relief to hear that! So I am hoping and praying that she will start to feel better in the next few days and week before she has to go through the chemo again. We will just keep praying for her and know that God is in control. I have put her in God's hands and that is ALL that I can do. Not really much else to say at this moment, but wanted to update this so that I don't just let it go and not keep up with it. For all who do read this, thank you for the many prayers lifted up for Vickie and/or our family. They are very much appreciated and needed!!